


Therapeutically Speaking

by orphan_account



Series: Cure [1]
Category: EastEnders
Genre: Chryed, M/M, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-01
Updated: 2011-12-01
Packaged: 2017-10-26 18:18:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/286442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remember When I Was Trying To Fight It?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Therapeutically Speaking

Allen claimed to have had many, many successes and that's what had sold him – someone else to bite the bullet, swallow the pill for him, because that's, all frills aside, how it felt. He knew in his heart of hearts that left to himself the bullet would remain unbitten, the pill unswallowed – he needed someone on his side who actually _understood_ how it felt, but unlike his mother had no ulterior motive for seeing him cured. Well yes it was Allen's _job_ to see he was cured, but that was different from the way his mum saw it. Allen wasn't disgusted, didn't take his sexuality _personally,_ just saw a problem that needed addressing and went about doing exactly that.

Syed hadn't been surprised to discover just how many men there were who wanted desperately to cure their homosexuality – it was a disease, an illness and anyone who suffered would naturally want to make a full, clean recovery - so that again had given some cause for optimism. There _had_ to be a cure – everyone hated homosexuality so of course there'd be a way to cure it.

He'd been a little surprised by Allen's approach. He knew that it was a matter of rediscovering his masculinity, but hadn't expected it to be so confrontational, so intrusive. Allen had been at pains so assure him that this wasn't a blame game, yet Syed _felt_ blamed, felt responsible not only for his failure to grow up normally, but also for his failure to prevent his parents _damaging_ him in the way they had.

After each session he felt worse not better – useless, perverted, sick – but maybe that was to be expected – he had a lot of error to correct and that obviously wouldn't happen overnight.

He absolutely refused to allow the persistent idea that he was wasting his money, his energy and his time to take root in his brain.

He could think of absolutely no other way to do this, so it had to work, simply _had_ to.

 

**

“And do you see what he did there?”

“I- not sure.”

“Well by always making it seem that what he was doing to you was natural, normal and that if you could only learn to enjoy it, see it as _pleasurable_ you'd be happy he was entraining you, eroding your morality, your commonsense, your ability to tell right from wrong.”

Syed was silent, taking this in. He couldn't really say that it had been like that, but maybe that was because Christian had been so dominant. Allen had shown him how men like Christian operated – either by stealth or force or very often a combination of both.

“We shouldn't really blame them either though – they too have been inducted into this perverted way of seeing the world and are victims in a sense too. See how that works, Syed – it's all a ball of perversion leading on to more and more perversion. That is how disease is spread in this world.”

Silence again, as he stared down at then floor. This was so uncomfortable, sitting there listening to him call Christian a pervert, but it was necessary – what they did _was_ perverted, unnatural, _wrong_ and though he couldn't bear to call Christian a pervert knew that Allen was correct all the same.

“You _are_ disgusted by the things he did aren't you?” Allen's voice had sharpened as it did periodically when Syed was slow to answer or agree with him.

“I just want to be normal,” he said, voice tight with emotion. He was so frustrated. Why was it taking so long? Where was that magic pill? He'd bitten the bullet but it _still_ hurt, seemed likely to never stop hurting so what was the point, really?

“Well you have to try harder, Syed. You say all the right things, but I don't really think you take the exercises as far as they could go.”

Syed looked up at him. “You think I should-?”

“Let me ask you a question? How do you feel about Christian now, now you have an insight into his perversion?”

He knew this one. “He disgusts me. I feel used, like I've been duped.”

Allen smiled. “Good, good. See, we _are_ making progress. So when you see him no don't confront him, just treat him like the poor victim he is – don't give his perversion any more power than it deserves. If you're angry with him, confrontational he will see it as a victory. That's how they see it – trying to get their perverted views accepted into the mainstream - and crying victimisation when good people stand firm. The more you 'stand against' them - and do it openly – the more satisfaction it gives them.”

Syed frowned. He hated when Allen spoke that way, like he hated gays even though he kept saying that he simply saw homosexuality as a mental disease in the same way that schizophrenia was a mental disease, assuring him that he didn't hate someone just because they were mentally ill, yet more and more Syed had cause to wonder if he were being completely honest - with either Syed or himself. “I haven't seen him for a while.”

“Well perhaps you should try to change that.”

Syed stared. “What do you mean?”

“Seek him out, show him that you can treat him like another resident of the square – a nonentity, an acquaintance, someone who holds absolutely no interest for you.”

What? He really thought he was ready for that? That surely wasn't something he should be trying to do just yet. “Invite him for a drink or something you mean?”

“No! No.” A frustrated sigh which Syed felt had been wholly unconscious. “No, you mustn't make any 'moves'. I _told_ you how they'd interpret that. No if – when - you see him you must act _casually_.”

Syed was still a little confused. “So if _he_ asks me for a drink?”

“Would you go for a drink with someone you didn't particularly care for, with someone who really wasn't your kind of people?”

Well when he put it that way...”No, I suppose not, so I just act casually, like we're neighbours, but not friends?”

“Absolutely. And I think you'll find that the visualisation exercise you've been doing will automatically come into effect at that point.”

Oh yeah, those – lice, pus, scabs, faeces. Hadn't tried them live yet so that should be interesting. Right, he'd give it a try, see how effective Allen's strategy would prove to be.

As he prepared to pay his money and leave he told himself that the racing heart and pounding pulse had nothing at all to do with the fact that he'd be seeing Christian again – had been give _permission_ to!

**

Christian had hauled him off his feet and pressed him hard against the wall. Syed's hands, frustrated at not having any hair to grab onto had twined themselves in his shirt instead, pulling it half off his body, the rip loud in the silence of the flat.

“No. You. Don't.” Kissing him hard, tongue in his mouth, seeking, seeking.

Syed assumed he wasn't expected to give a verbal answer to that and instead gave him what he sought.

They had never kissed like this before – desperate, manic, both of them almost crazy with lust. He had not expected this, yet he had come to his flat, the excuse an absurdly flimsy one. Oh yeah a part of him – the part that _wasn't_ doing his thinking for him – had intended to to try to put all the Allen stuff into practice, but it had been a terribly, terribly _small_ part. He hadn't really expected Christian to be in a talking mood, _knew_ he wouldn't be actually and just to cap it off had made absolutely sure of it. Now to anyone else he knew he wouldn't look like he had sex on his mind, but then Christian wasn't anyone else – he was speaking Christian's language right now and prided himself on his fluency. So he'd dressed very carefully, mussed his hair just so, worn a very particular cologne...

Christian hadn't even pretended to resist, had made absolutely no attempt to dialogue with him, had simply pulled him into the lounge and proceeded to fuck him against the wall. Well maybe not yet, but he was working on it...


End file.
